


Within Me Burning

by bearinapotatosack



Series: Star Trek [22]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Arguing, Break Up, Dark, Depression, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sad Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29294796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearinapotatosack/pseuds/bearinapotatosack
Summary: There's one year left of the five year mission and Jim thought everything would fizzle away uncharacteristically for their mission- something he wasn't sure he was happy about.Now everything's shifting. Leonard's avoiding him, shouting at people and not turning up to work. Jim wants to help but feels his patience waning.How will everyone cope? Will they band together to fight their differences or will this be the end of everything they've worked so hard to achieve?
Relationships: Ben Sulu/Hikaru Sulu, Christine Chapel/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Crew of the Starship Enterprise & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Star Trek [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843510
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine comes to a conclusion and talks with Leonard.

The door opened with a swoosh, Nyota stood up from her poised position on the sofa and went to hug Christine. 

They settled on the her bed, silence withstanding. Nyota took the curved bottle of wine and poured out two glasses. "So, what's got you so worked up that you were in such desperate need for a girl's night?" 

Christine took a long sip from her glass and dropped her head into her hands. Nyota leaned forwards and carefully pulled the hair ties and pins from her slightly frazzled bun.

She peeked through her fingers as Nyota stroked her arm, saying more gently, "What's wrong?" and shuffling closer so she could wrap her arm around her.

"Well," Christine lifted her head from her hands, leaning back as she raised her confidence. "I don't think Leonard loves me anymore."

Nyota's eyes widened, her hand withdrawing slightly before she corrected herself and pulled her friend into her shoulder. "What's telling you this?"

"Well, he doesn't want to spend any time with me," She bit her lip and nestled closer into the embrace. "I asked him if he wanted to have a date on the observation deck three weeks ago, he declined,"

"I thought to myself, 'Okay, maybe he doesn't want to go on a date tonight,', I asked him the next day, he declined again, I asked him on the weekend, denied," Christine contained. "I've been asking him every few days but he doesn't even consider it, he just shoots me down,"

Nyota pulled her friend up and held her hand, squeezing it as Christine dropped her head again. Her hair slid down her neck, slowly covering her face as her breaths began to quiver and become uneven. 

They sat in silence for a while, letting Christine's emotions drip out of her like the tears that were rolling down her face. Nyota had seen how cheerful and goofy Leonard was when the relationship had started. It was almost heartbreaking having to watch him pretend to be the grump he usually was. 

Christine too had noticed a change in him. A few months ago, he could barely stop himself from smiling and acting like the southern gentleman all hours of the day. His disposition was sunny and bright, his sarcasm and comments more playful, she'd even heard him humming a few times during physicals. 

Now, he seemed tired. He moved stiffly, eyelids heavier when you caught a glance of him unguarded. His comments were harsher, snappy, and spiteful. He slumped when he sat. More wrinkles formed on his rough face. His hair was less tidy. 

The worst part was how he covered it. Nyota had only noticed this when she'd joined Christine dinner in the mess a few days prior. An occasional sigh, a droop of the shoulders, or maybe a muttered comment. 

Christine spoke up, "That's not all, though." She sat up again, wiping her eyes on a tissue and taking another sip of wine. "It's simple things too, he's working more, filling in reports while we're cuddling on the sofa, not wanting to watch a simple holo or even just relax in the same room,"

Nyota didn't know what to say, so she let her continue. 

"And, our sex life has been dry too," She lowered her tone a bit in embarrassment. 

"Well, if you need anything, I can always help," They laughed as Nyota wiggled her eyebrows, happy that she could make her friend chuckle. 

"He never wants anything for himself, all he does is make me, you know, orgasm,"

"Oh, how tragic,"

"I mean, if I try to do something for him, ask for something that involves him, he's never up for it," She said, shuffling closer to whisper. "I tried to give him a blow job a few days ago,"

"Tried?"

"Yeah, tried, I was down there for ten minutes, and nothing. I actually had to click to get him to realise I'd given up," She took a long sip of wine and continued. “It’s like he’s not attracted to me sexually anymore, he’s giving me so much that I guess I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to make up for something,”

Christine lent forwards and poured them both another glass of wine while Nyota got up to pace the floor, twisting her hair around her fingers as she tried to come up with some good advice. The last thing she wanted was to give her bad advice, make her stay when she shouldn’t, or tell her to leave when it was all a misunderstanding.

“Look, the best thing you can do is talk to him, tell him that you’re feeling left out and abandoned and that you’re getting concerned about how he’s acting, then, if he decides to talk you’ll have your answer,” She said, sliding back onto the sofa. “There’s a reason why communication is the key to a successful relationship you know,”

Christine sighed and placed her feet onto the glass table in front of her, raking a hand through her hair as she agreed and changed the conversation onto something more fun.

“Right, I think I need cheering up after all that, how about I do your nails?” She asked, getting up to retrieve the small box in Nyota’s closet that she knew was always kept immaculately. “I think a good deep green would suit you,”

The atmosphere shifted from there. Christine felt a little lighter as if the rant had been the weight of the world on her shoulders. She let a smile creep up on her face as she settled into the calm evening, listening distantly to the hum of the engine far away from them.

* * *

A few days later, after rehearsing and thinking everything over, she was taking Nyota's advice and was addressing all her issues. 

She sat on his bed, reading a book on her PADD while keeping her ears pricked for the sound of Leonard emerging from his speedy water shower. A cup of tea lay half-drunk on the bedside table and the overhead lamp was set to a warm amber colour.

His quarters itself were bigger than her's, with him being a senior officer, and contained a bathroom he shared with Scotty on the right-hand wall, a small closet opposite the bathroom door, a sofa next to the bathroom, and a desk opposite the bed. The bed itself was tucked into the far right corner, on the same wall as the bathroom, and had a rectangular window showing the zooming flashes of light as they zipped through space.

Leonard walked out of the bathroom, towelling his hair dry as he jumped at her presence on the bed. 

She chuckled and stood up to hand him his coffee, kissing his cheek and catching a glimpse of his eyes. They were duller than normal, darker, and deeper. He hadn't put his mask on yet. 

He let out a grumble as she led him to the bed and turned on a random holo, curling into his side as they assumed their usual cuddling positions. She felt his hand rub circles into her side, it should've been comforting and familiar, but after Nyota's advice, she could sense his disconnection radiating off him.

"Can we talk?" Sitting up as she watched his eyes widen. 

He nodded and shuffled along the bed. The holo went off with a word. Leonard picked at the skin underneath his fingernails, his breath barely even. 

“I’ve gone through this in my head, and I‘ve talked about it with Nyota, and I’ve come to the, perhaps obvious, conclusion that we need to talk about this,”

“Okay,” His voice was thin and quiet, she reached out and took his hands.

His hands were dry and worn, wrinkles and cracks showing the age. Her’s were smoother, still roughed by her life as a medic but easier to touch and stroke. They stared at them for a while, procrastinating what they knew was going to be hard. 

She thought back for a moment to the early days of their relationship, when he’d hold her between his legs and cradle her body for hours. Other times, she’d pull his head into her lap and card her fingers through his hair as stress-induced tears seared his cheeks. 

They were used to each other now, almost bored. This was partially why she hesitated to make such a big issue about this, the honeymoon phase was wearing out. She knew the ways to fix some of the issues, take up a hobby together, give each other more space, spice things up in the bedroom, talk more. 

It wasn’t like she hated this part of a relationship, quite the opposite. There was nothing that could beat the comforting domesticity of knowing you could be in this relationship for the long haul. They had a routine now, she made him a drink in the morning, he listened to her terrible singing in the shower, they moved around each other seamlessly during their shift, ate what they usually ate for that day and relaxed in front of a holo before bed. 

She came back to herself, “I don’t feel like you’re giving me anything lately, emotionally speaking,”

His eyes flashed with fear, possibly the fear he carried ever since his last long term relationship, the one with Jocelyn. He cleared his throat and sat up straight, placing the facade on again. “How do you mean?”

“We don’t do anything couple-y anymore, and I know this is partially because we’re past the honeymoon phase now, but it’s not the same,” She said. “I’m trying to do small romantic things that you like, hugging you every morning, holding your hand when we eat, giving you massages. But you don’t want it, you have no interest in anything I try, and, a girl feels a little down when her partner doesn’t want anything she gives,”

His body exploded into action, his hands shook more and his eyes widened as he reassured her over and over again.“Darn, I-I’m sorry, I can try better, no, I will be better! I just thought that if I do stuff for you, you know, make your tea how you like it, get the shower running when I know you’ve had a hard day, letting you pick the holo, tidying up your desk, then it wouldn’t matter about me.”

“And I know you’re going to talk about the bedroom too, but I’m not feeling too into doing stuff for me right now, so I thought that if I just pleasured you then it would even things out,” He continued, she lifted her hand into his hair and pushed his head down onto her shoulder, tension slipping out of him as he nestled in further into her neck.

“Honey, didn’t it cross your mind that I want to make you feel good, that you deserve affection just like everyone else,” They shuffled a bit and lay down on the bed.

Leonard shrugged and cuddled more into her body, breathing in her scent, taking in her light.

“What happened? I can feel you fading, and I don’t want you to feel pressured to open up about everything, you’ll do that when you’re ready. But it scares me how easily you’re hiding away and how okay you are with not talking at all,” Christine said.

He shook, building up the strength to talk but failing. His head turned fully into the crook of her neck. She could feel the sheen of sweat rubbing off her forehead, his breaths turning shorter and shorter. He opened his mouth to speak but words failed, he shook his head. 

They sat up, holding each others' hands as she told him to breathe. In and out. Repeating the same until he got to a stable state.

"Thank you for being patient, I don't want to seem like I was trying to avoid this conversation," He managed to sign with shaking hands.

Christine nodded, not wanting to push. She'd seen him get to this point before when he went into his head and couldn't speak for unknown amounts of time. It was at times like this she realised how logical it was to get everyone to know sign language, both the Federation Language and their home language. 

"It's okay, do you feel comfortable telling me what's going on?" She replied, also signing.

"I need a break, every time a crisis happens, I get so overwhelmed," He said, his hands flurrying as he signed. "When we have to reschedule every physical, shot update, check-up, surgery, all for the emergency, then we have to work double shifts to get everyone seen to. And after that's done, we have to do it all again. I’m so exhausted,”

“I need to write Jim a COMM,” She started but quickly added when she saw his panic. “Only to talk about Shore Leave, we don’t need to tell him about this until you’re ready, okay?” 

He nodded from his space he'd carved for himself in her side. Christine’s hand fell into his hair like it always did, and a smile befell her face when she felt his shoulders’ slump. His face was barely calm, cheeks squished and mouth agape. He was safe, sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, be prepared for more angst and sadness! The general structure for this is that I'll do nine chapters in everyone but Bones' perspective, then ten chapters of the same events in Bones' perspective and then six chapters in mixed perspectives. I've ben drafting this for a few months now and have only got to the end of the ninth chapter. 
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts. I mainly wrote this because there's not enough pure Bones angst in this fandom so I've taken it upon myself to write loads.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor M'Benga talks to Leonard about some test results when things go sour

Sickbay was as quiet as it ever was. Geoffrey was returning from the lab. He'd spent hours upon hours analysing blood, tissue and cell samples to find a cure for a form of radiation turned liquid and that had infected almost a quarter of the crew. He had the latest test results, all negative.

The main ward was full of people. Most of the remaining patients had minor injuries, none requiring surgery. He noted Christine directing the Gamma Shift nurses to patients, she smiled as he nodded in her direction. 

He scanned the ward again, ' _Where was Doctor McCoy?_ '. This was his shift and he was never one to skip. Everyone on the Enterprise was trying and failing, to get him to work less. 

That was how he used to be, anyway. 

Nowadays he was different. Turning up barely on time, often late. His hair was untidy and uniform scruffy. It wasn't like him. He took pride in being the best CMO in the 'Fleet, always trying to make the best impression, even if he hated the person he was talking to.

His work was slacking too. Most days he would zone out, lose himself in the chaos he usually thrived in. There had even been times when he forgot the patient he was caring for or the treatment he was giving. 

Geoffrey was trying to see what was wrong, he'd changed his shift patterns to be on the same as him, to help him. He'd taken on some of his paperwork, going on missions when sickbay was too busy and leaving coffee in his vicinity. 

He rapped a knock on Leonard's office door, waiting a few seconds before knocking again.

"Dr McCoy, I have the latest test results,"

No response.

"They're negative,"

He pressed his ear against the door.

"We need your advice, you are the CMO," He sighed. "Look, I know you've probably got the Captain on your ass about advice, and Starfleet, and reports to write but I need your help, we all do,"

The door slid open, Dr McCoy standing aside and perching on the edge of his desk. His hair was messed up, desk cluttered, the lights were low. 

"You look like hell,"

"Thanks."

"What's going on with you?" He asked. 

Leonard looked up, "Huh? Nothing's going on," he moved over slightly to make way for his friend. 

"I don't believe that for a second," 

He waited for an answer, swinging his legs slightly. But, once he realised he wasn't getting one, he continued. "You stay in your office as long as you can, you're forgetting patients and procedures and you can't deny how much you've been procrastinating,"

"So? I've been slacking, big deal. You're acting like this is an unheard of, life-threatening thing,"

"We're both Doctors on a starship, Leonard, and you have psychology qualifications. Don't pretend like these aren't symptoms of depression,"

Leonard failed to hide the shock that flashed in his eyes. He kicked his feet a little harder. The silence felt thick and suffocating down their throats.

"Talk to me, please, I promise I won't judge,"

He watched and for a second let himself believe his efforts were fruitless. But he was taking down the walls around his heart, brick by brick. 

"When we had that year off on earth, I worked in Starfleet Medical, not as the Chief Medical Officer or the Chief Surgeon or even the head of a department, I was just a surgery consultant, a senior doctor,"

"I didn't have to sort out schedules for staff, or read over and write reports until my eyes were crossed, no away missions, no dangerous new situations or unknown diseases that make me want to pull my hair out, I could just go home,"

"I still stayed behind, obviously, I'm a doctor, not an office worker. But when I had long-running surgeries or emergency care, it never lasted another full shift, not like being the CMO did,"

"And I got used to it, and I enjoyed it. I got into the routine and the lower stress levels. So when I came back to the ship a year later, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be here after all," Leonard stopped and looked at M'Benga for some kind of approval or understanding.

"So you're doubting being the CMO? Are you saying you want to resign and be an average doctor again?" Geoffrey said.

Leonard shook his head, "I still want to be CMO,"

"That doesn't make sense," He hopped off the desk and stood eye-to-eye to him. "You just said you enjoyed the life of a regular doctor more than the role of CMO, how can that not mean you should resign?"

"I never said anything about resigning, all I said is that I'm taking a little longer than expected to adjust back to life as the CMO," Leonard joined him on the floor. "Why would you think I want to resign? I love this job!"

Geoffrey scoffed, "Love it? You were just telling me how you're tired of it!"

"Because I'm burnt out, you're taking this way too far," 

McCoy went to walk to the replicator but felt his hand on his arm. He pulled on the restraint. It didn't budge. 

"How am I taking this too far? All I want is for sickbay, the place that I work, is running smoothly. And that means having a CMO that enjoys the job and staff that are cared for and supported," 

Leonard shook the hand off and clapped his hands in front of his face, taking a few steps backwards as he came to a conclusion, "Oh, oh! I know what this is about, you want to take my job, don't you?"

"No! I'm happy being a senior medical officer, you're twisting this," 

"That's bullshit,"

"No!" Geoffrey felt every ounce of sympathy being replaced with rage. "Everything you're telling me is bullshit,"

"How? I thought you told me you weren't going to judge me and now you're calling me a liar?"

"Yes, I am, I know when I'm being lied to and I don't like it, tell me the truth, Leonard," 

“I just did,” 

Geoffrey rubbed the bridge of his nose and whistled, trying to regain his composure. He kept telling himself that this was his friend, that lying seemed like the only solution to him, that whatever he was lying for was to cover up something that was hurting Leonard inside.

But every time he thought this, he was reminded of the gossip from the sickbay cafeteria, and the eye rolls Leonard got from the nurses when his back turned and especially his own burnout. 

“Look, all I want is for the medical staff to have a CMO that cares about them, a CMO who wants the job and is motivated because you clearly aren’t,” Leonard went to snap back but M’Benga cut him off. “Don’t say you are, you just admitted to not wanting this job anymore and then you got offended when I suggested that you get a job that you’re happy with,”

“All you do is zone out, complain under your breath when you have to do work and sulk in your office, you don’t do anything to help us, the people who actually work when we’re in sickbay and I changed my shift schedule to try and help you out but you don’t even care about that. You never do any work and leave it all to us!” He stopped truly seeing Leonard’s face as he gave up and let out all his pent up thoughts. “And don’t say you’re doing reports when I know you’ve been staring at the same one for over a week now,”

“Get your act together, McCoy, decide what you want because I can’t do that for you, and maybe then I’ll think about being friends with you again. But until then, you’re just my colleague and my superior,” Geoffrey took a deep breath and noticed that Dr McCoy’s hands were trembling. “Now, look at all the tests results and give me an answer or we’re going to lose people,”

He stormed out of his office, wishing he could slam the door. Around him, applause erupted as the annoyed medical staff awarded him for delivering their boss their thoughts. The moment didn’t last long but he did count the smiles on people’s faces as they continued testing and questioning.

Yet, he caught a glance of Christine as she went to take more results to the labs. She shook her head and left. She knew something he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have said already that I love the medical trio but I love angst more so I had to separate them. How are you liking this fic? I'm really enjoying writing it so I hope you are!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, leave a kudos and a comment if you did!


End file.
